I opened an email from a friend. Her words stung like an angry wasp. She is my age, the mother of 5, and her oldest is the same age as my oldest. The questions began to flood my mind as I tried to grasp the reality of what she was telling me. Why was she able to get pregnant so easily? Why can she have one more when we can't? Why is her news so painful for me? I should be happy for her!
No time to cry. We had doctor appointments and soccer games. I wiped my eyes and loaded my 5 year old into the car. As we drove to pick up my 8 year old from school I sobbed quietly. I couldn't hold back the flood of tears.
I became angry at myself. I am stronger than this! I've accepted the fact we will have no more children so why can't I be happy for those who can? I would never want anyone to go through what we have.
In the last 4 months I have had 8 friends either have babies or announce they are pregnant. Most of them are younger than me. I don't know why that makes it easier to accept.
Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's years of suppressed grief. Maybe it's just the fact that we didn't want to be done having children. Whatever the reason, I realized that night I had to do something to deal with my experiences in a more positive way.
Crying is not a sign of weakness. It just means I've been strong for too long. . . I wish I felt like the strong person I pretend to be.
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