The Beginning of a Journey

I feel like I'm attending an AA meeting or coming out of the closet. (Although I have never done either, this is how I imagine it would feel.) Hi. My name is Rae and I have had 9 miscarriages in 12 years of marriage.

We hoped to have a bushel of children when we got married. After our first miscarriage we wondered if our dreams of having a healthy baby would ever come true. After the third loss, I gave up hope. To maintain my sanity I had to tell myself that it didn't matter. But really it did.

Then we had a healthy, normal baby. It gave us the hope that there could be more babies. After a few more miscarriages we had another healthy baby. After several more miscarriages, our hope of any more children was gone.

I've always been strong and independent. I was a single mother for 8 years before I married the love of my life. I know how to pick myself up when I get knocked down. I know how to face the storms of life head on and come out okay.

With each miscarriage I would take some time to grieve and then jump right back into life. I thought I needed to overcome my grief and move on. I couldn't let it hold me down. I was too strong. I thought.

Recently I heard a mother say, "You never get over losing a baby. You just learn how to live with it." That hit me with a pain in my stomach that I've never felt before. I've spent all these years trying to "get over" my losses instead of living with them.

I read some other blogs and comments on miscarriage boards and was overcome with guilt. These mothers not only remembered the date of their loss but also the due dates. In my attempt to live a "normal" life I have blocked these dates from my mind. While trying to get over my loss I have not allowed myself to remember these little angels.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I don't think all of our miscarriages were accidents or freaks of nature. These little ones have come into our lives over the years for a reason. Every life, no matter how short, has meaning and purpose.

This is my journey to remember my little ones. This is my journey from shadows to sunshine.