Breaking Point

I opened an email from a friend. Her words stung like an angry wasp. She is my age, the mother of 5, and her oldest is the same age as my oldest. The questions began to flood my mind as I tried to grasp the reality of what she was telling me. Why was she able to get pregnant so easily? Why can she have one more when we can't? Why is her news so painful for me? I should be happy for her!

No time to cry. We had doctor appointments and soccer games. I wiped my eyes and loaded my 5 year old into the car. As we drove to pick up my 8 year old from school I sobbed quietly. I couldn't hold back the flood of tears.

I became angry at myself. I am stronger than this! I've accepted the fact we will have no more children so why can't I be happy for those who can? I would never want anyone to go through what we have.

In the last 4 months I have had 8 friends either have babies or announce they are pregnant. Most of them are younger than me. I don't know why that makes it easier to accept.

Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's years of suppressed grief. Maybe it's just the fact that we didn't want to be done having children. Whatever the reason, I realized that night I had to do something to deal with my experiences in a more positive way.

Crying is not a sign of weakness. It just means I've been strong for too long. . .  I wish I felt like the strong person I pretend to be.

Suppressed Emotions

"Dealing with powerful emotions can be challenging, especially when we are going through chaotic, sad, or cruel experiences in our lives. Often, it can seem like we have only two options for dealing with our feelings so they don't become too overwhelming. 

We may let our feelings out in an immediate and visceral way, or we may bottle them up by suppressing our emotions inside our bodies. Most people make the second choice, repressing their feelings in an attempt to deny them. The truth is that there are many positive ways to deal with emotions, and experiencing your negative feelings doesn't have to constitute a negative experience.
 
Denying your feelings is not only unhealthy for the mind and the body, but it may also rob you of valuable information you could be learning about yourself and your life. Suppressing your emotions can even impede your short-term memory. Acknowledging your feelings can help you better understand them and help you recover naturally from change, stress, and grief. "

(From the Daily OM http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2005/635.html)

It was comforting to come across something that validated what I had been thinking. Sometimes it's too painful to express our emotions and so we suppress them. There has to be a healthy way to release those emotions. We can't hide from our feelings. Eventually we have to respond to them. And it's okay to feel anger and frustration. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain in life helps us to feel the joy.

There will be times of shadow and sunshine throughout our lives. Although it would be nice, we can't always sit in the sunshine.

The Beginning of a Journey

I feel like I'm attending an AA meeting or coming out of the closet. (Although I have never done either, this is how I imagine it would feel.) Hi. My name is Rae and I have had 9 miscarriages in 12 years of marriage.

We hoped to have a bushel of children when we got married. After our first miscarriage we wondered if our dreams of having a healthy baby would ever come true. After the third loss, I gave up hope. To maintain my sanity I had to tell myself that it didn't matter. But really it did.

Then we had a healthy, normal baby. It gave us the hope that there could be more babies. After a few more miscarriages we had another healthy baby. After several more miscarriages, our hope of any more children was gone.

I've always been strong and independent. I was a single mother for 8 years before I married the love of my life. I know how to pick myself up when I get knocked down. I know how to face the storms of life head on and come out okay.

With each miscarriage I would take some time to grieve and then jump right back into life. I thought I needed to overcome my grief and move on. I couldn't let it hold me down. I was too strong. I thought.

Recently I heard a mother say, "You never get over losing a baby. You just learn how to live with it." That hit me with a pain in my stomach that I've never felt before. I've spent all these years trying to "get over" my losses instead of living with them.

I read some other blogs and comments on miscarriage boards and was overcome with guilt. These mothers not only remembered the date of their loss but also the due dates. In my attempt to live a "normal" life I have blocked these dates from my mind. While trying to get over my loss I have not allowed myself to remember these little angels.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I don't think all of our miscarriages were accidents or freaks of nature. These little ones have come into our lives over the years for a reason. Every life, no matter how short, has meaning and purpose.

This is my journey to remember my little ones. This is my journey from shadows to sunshine.