Today I held a baby that was born a month before our last would have been. I was hesitant to pick her up at first. As I lifted her to my lap, she squealed with delight and I didn't think I could hold her without crying. I wanted to ask her if she knew my little angels. If only she could talk...
She smiled and giggled at me as I played Pat-a-cake with her. I held her up so she could jump and again she squealed with delight. I held her close and remembered how good it feels to snuggle a little one in my arms. Her brother noticed and came to stand at my side. He reminded me that this was his baby sister. I told him she was lucky to have such a wonderful brother. He agreed.
I handed the baby back to her mother and said good bye to my friends. Driving away, I reminded myself that I can't dwell on what might have been. I can't cry for what is lost or I will miss out on what I have. I have to look forward with hope for what will be.
Being sad and depressed when I see a baby, I will miss out on opportunities to snuggle one, even if only for a moment. Mothers with young babies often need another set of hands. Why can't I be those hands? Even if I'm not able to have more of my own children, I can help those who do. I can hold a squirmy baby. I can help a toddler tie their shoe. I can offer words of encouragement to my daughters friend. I can use my nurturing skills to bless the lives of other children as well as my own.
Today, I truly saw sunshine!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Comfort
When I was a little girl, I had a soft, red blanket. Whenever I was sick or afraid, I wanted my red blanket to curl up in. It always brought me comfort. I loved that blanket until it literally fell apart. Sometimes we just need something to hold onto. Something that brings comfort.
A couple weeks ago, one of my pregnant friends found out her baby has spina bifida. After multiple ultrasounds and meeting with specialists they were told their baby will not make it. If he does survive delivery, he will not survive the surgeries needed to repair his imperfect body.
This special friend was recovering from miscarrying twins. A month later she was surprised to find she was pregnant again. They were thrilled when this pregnancy made it to 16 weeks. I admit. I did a happy dance with her. I know what that feels like.
She was shocked when the results of her standard 18 week tests showed positive for spina bifida. When follow up tests confirmed the original results she was a little discouraged but still hopeful. Her last ultra sound showed that it is actually the front of the baby that is exposed and its internal organs are being destroyed. She is now expecting her baby to die soon but still hopeful he will make it.
I had to do something for my friend to bring her comfort. Then I remembered my red blanket. I love to sew but I'm not really a quilter. How hard can it be? I decided on a simple design and have spent the last week putting together a baby blanket for my friend. Her baby deserves a blanket.
Sometimes we just need something that will bring comfort. When the world around us seems to be crashing in, we need something soft to hold onto. Sometimes we just need a friend who understands.
A couple weeks ago, one of my pregnant friends found out her baby has spina bifida. After multiple ultrasounds and meeting with specialists they were told their baby will not make it. If he does survive delivery, he will not survive the surgeries needed to repair his imperfect body.
This special friend was recovering from miscarrying twins. A month later she was surprised to find she was pregnant again. They were thrilled when this pregnancy made it to 16 weeks. I admit. I did a happy dance with her. I know what that feels like.
She was shocked when the results of her standard 18 week tests showed positive for spina bifida. When follow up tests confirmed the original results she was a little discouraged but still hopeful. Her last ultra sound showed that it is actually the front of the baby that is exposed and its internal organs are being destroyed. She is now expecting her baby to die soon but still hopeful he will make it.
I had to do something for my friend to bring her comfort. Then I remembered my red blanket. I love to sew but I'm not really a quilter. How hard can it be? I decided on a simple design and have spent the last week putting together a baby blanket for my friend. Her baby deserves a blanket.
Sometimes we just need something that will bring comfort. When the world around us seems to be crashing in, we need something soft to hold onto. Sometimes we just need a friend who understands.
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Choice
"Obviously it's not going to work so maybe they should just stop trying." I expected this comment from the woman who has 4 children and never had any problems during pregnancy. But a friend who used in-vitro to have her babies? Really?!
When do you stop trying? I hated the thought of losing another but I always had hope that this one would make it. After the 3rd loss we decided to just let things happen. What ever the outcome, we would deal with it. After the 7th loss I told my husband I didn't want to do this anymore.
The decision to keep trying or do something different is very personal. The couple needs to do what they feel is best for them and their family. And we should never judge another couple for the choice they make because we really don't know all the details.
When do you stop trying? I hated the thought of losing another but I always had hope that this one would make it. After the 3rd loss we decided to just let things happen. What ever the outcome, we would deal with it. After the 7th loss I told my husband I didn't want to do this anymore.
The decision to keep trying or do something different is very personal. The couple needs to do what they feel is best for them and their family. And we should never judge another couple for the choice they make because we really don't know all the details.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It Takes Time
Patience. Something I'm working on. I realized that I went through the grieving process like it was a To Do List. I checked everything off and set it aside. On to the next project.
Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works. Sometimes we need to linger a little longer and allow ourselves to FEEL the emotions. I think I did at first. After 4 or 5 miscarriages though, I told myself I didn't have time for this. I had things that I needed to do. I quickly went through the range of emotions and then moved on.
Healing takes time. When I have a cold I can't just wake up one morning and say I'm over this. There are things I can do to relieve the symptoms and speed the recovery, but it still takes time. Emotional healing is like that too. It takes time.
Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works. Sometimes we need to linger a little longer and allow ourselves to FEEL the emotions. I think I did at first. After 4 or 5 miscarriages though, I told myself I didn't have time for this. I had things that I needed to do. I quickly went through the range of emotions and then moved on.
Healing takes time. When I have a cold I can't just wake up one morning and say I'm over this. There are things I can do to relieve the symptoms and speed the recovery, but it still takes time. Emotional healing is like that too. It takes time.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Baby Steps
A toddler, just learning to walk, teeters across the hard wood floor. She comes to the edge of a large area rug in the middle of the room. She stares at the rug with wide eyes. She lifts her right foot then sets it back down. She lifts her left foot and sets it back down. She looks around for help.
While the rug is only about a 1/2 inch step, to this new-walker it seems like a mountain. To her, it's a stumbling block in her path. It takes a few days of practice before she is able to sail over the step without hesitation or stumbling.
Sometimes in life we meet these obstacles. We stare wide eyed and wonder how we will ever make it over. We may even try to raise our feet and then fall flat on our face.
Courage is having the faith to try and then try again. Not every obstacle can be overcome on the first attempt. And when we do finally overcome and look back, we see that it was really only a 1/2 inch step. Not actually anything to get upset about. Our goal in this life is not to avoid the obstacles but to learn how to overcome them and keep going. Each one is a stepping stone to a higher level of being.
My advice for myself today is hold on and don't give up! This journey is a process that will take time and lots of baby steps.
While the rug is only about a 1/2 inch step, to this new-walker it seems like a mountain. To her, it's a stumbling block in her path. It takes a few days of practice before she is able to sail over the step without hesitation or stumbling.
Sometimes in life we meet these obstacles. We stare wide eyed and wonder how we will ever make it over. We may even try to raise our feet and then fall flat on our face.
Courage is having the faith to try and then try again. Not every obstacle can be overcome on the first attempt. And when we do finally overcome and look back, we see that it was really only a 1/2 inch step. Not actually anything to get upset about. Our goal in this life is not to avoid the obstacles but to learn how to overcome them and keep going. Each one is a stepping stone to a higher level of being.
My advice for myself today is hold on and don't give up! This journey is a process that will take time and lots of baby steps.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Breaking Point
I opened an email from a friend. Her words stung like an angry wasp. She is my age, the mother of 5, and her oldest is the same age as my oldest. The questions began to flood my mind as I tried to grasp the reality of what she was telling me. Why was she able to get pregnant so easily? Why can she have one more when we can't? Why is her news so painful for me? I should be happy for her!
No time to cry. We had doctor appointments and soccer games. I wiped my eyes and loaded my 5 year old into the car. As we drove to pick up my 8 year old from school I sobbed quietly. I couldn't hold back the flood of tears.
I became angry at myself. I am stronger than this! I've accepted the fact we will have no more children so why can't I be happy for those who can? I would never want anyone to go through what we have.
In the last 4 months I have had 8 friends either have babies or announce they are pregnant. Most of them are younger than me. I don't know why that makes it easier to accept.
Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's years of suppressed grief. Maybe it's just the fact that we didn't want to be done having children. Whatever the reason, I realized that night I had to do something to deal with my experiences in a more positive way.
Crying is not a sign of weakness. It just means I've been strong for too long. . . I wish I felt like the strong person I pretend to be.
No time to cry. We had doctor appointments and soccer games. I wiped my eyes and loaded my 5 year old into the car. As we drove to pick up my 8 year old from school I sobbed quietly. I couldn't hold back the flood of tears.
I became angry at myself. I am stronger than this! I've accepted the fact we will have no more children so why can't I be happy for those who can? I would never want anyone to go through what we have.
In the last 4 months I have had 8 friends either have babies or announce they are pregnant. Most of them are younger than me. I don't know why that makes it easier to accept.
Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's years of suppressed grief. Maybe it's just the fact that we didn't want to be done having children. Whatever the reason, I realized that night I had to do something to deal with my experiences in a more positive way.
Crying is not a sign of weakness. It just means I've been strong for too long. . . I wish I felt like the strong person I pretend to be.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Suppressed Emotions
"Dealing with powerful emotions can be challenging,
especially when we are going through chaotic, sad, or cruel experiences
in our lives. Often, it can seem like we have only two options for
dealing with our feelings so they don't become too overwhelming.
We may let our feelings out in an immediate and visceral way, or we may bottle them up by suppressing our emotions inside our bodies. Most people make the second choice, repressing their feelings in an attempt to deny them. The truth is that there are many positive ways to deal with emotions, and experiencing your negative feelings doesn't have to constitute a negative experience.
Denying your feelings is not only unhealthy for the mind and the body, but it may also rob you of valuable information you could be learning about yourself and your life. Suppressing your emotions can even impede your short-term memory. Acknowledging your feelings can help you better understand them and help you recover naturally from change, stress, and grief. "
(From the Daily OM http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2005/635.html)
It was comforting to come across something that validated what I had been thinking. Sometimes it's too painful to express our emotions and so we suppress them. There has to be a healthy way to release those emotions. We can't hide from our feelings. Eventually we have to respond to them. And it's okay to feel anger and frustration. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain in life helps us to feel the joy.
There will be times of shadow and sunshine throughout our lives. Although it would be nice, we can't always sit in the sunshine.
We may let our feelings out in an immediate and visceral way, or we may bottle them up by suppressing our emotions inside our bodies. Most people make the second choice, repressing their feelings in an attempt to deny them. The truth is that there are many positive ways to deal with emotions, and experiencing your negative feelings doesn't have to constitute a negative experience.
Denying your feelings is not only unhealthy for the mind and the body, but it may also rob you of valuable information you could be learning about yourself and your life. Suppressing your emotions can even impede your short-term memory. Acknowledging your feelings can help you better understand them and help you recover naturally from change, stress, and grief. "
(From the Daily OM http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2005/635.html)
It was comforting to come across something that validated what I had been thinking. Sometimes it's too painful to express our emotions and so we suppress them. There has to be a healthy way to release those emotions. We can't hide from our feelings. Eventually we have to respond to them. And it's okay to feel anger and frustration. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain in life helps us to feel the joy.
There will be times of shadow and sunshine throughout our lives. Although it would be nice, we can't always sit in the sunshine.
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